Star Wars Hurts

Gal was 150% correct about Star Wars Episode III. Cornflake and her both told me that Star Wars fans were abused housewives coming back time and time again for another beating because they had deluded themselves that “it would get better this time, honestly.” That this movie would suck just as bad as the first two and that I was a fool.

They were right. The movie was a hair better than the absolute donkey shit that was Matrix Revolutions.

There’s about 15 minutes of really impressive fight scenes surrounded by 2 plus hours of absolute garbage. Every actor in this film is beyond cardboard. I wasn’t expecting deep and meaningful, but seriously, every person who opens their mouth spews something embarrassing. Ewan MacGregor is the only person who retains a shred of personality and even he’s scuba diving in crap for the majority of the film.

I couldn’t help but feel like I was watching Star Wars fan fiction with a hundred million dollar budget. It was that terrible. The prequel trilogy is three for three on the shit-o-meter.

Whenever I go see a film I have a simple intelligence criterion. I think of myself as someone with average intelligence. If I see something in the moment as I watch a film and dozens of people involved in writing, directing and editing the film didn’t see how stupid something was after months of pouring over each scene, then they could be morons. This film made me feel like a genius.

Wondrous shit:

– Oh look, it’s Chewbacca, what an incredible coincidence. Every wookie is wearing some kind of elaborate gear and there’s Chewy in his same old bandoleer that he apparently wears for the next twenty years, making sure we can’t miss his completely unnecessary appearance.

– Almost every line of dialogue. No, really. Always make sure you tell us exactly what’s clearly happening on screen. Make sure you say it in the most blatantly obvious way and deliver it as if you just don’t care. Worst offenders: Anakin and Padme.

– Apparently the entire rise of the Empire could’ve been averted if the Jedi council would’ve granted Anakin the tile of ‘Master’. The Jedi get all pig-headed, look way more suspicious, usurp their own code and traditions and in turn doom the galaxy. If they would’ve called him a Master and explained Palpatine’s duplicity better, he would’ve trusted them more and worked with them to stop the Senator, thus earning his Master title anyways. Instead they blatantly fuel his trust for Palpatine and even talk about how he’s being mislead instead of doing anything about it. Well done, oh wise ones.

– When Palpatine reveals himself to Anakin as a master of the Dark Side, Anakin doesn’t give in and tells him that he’s going to turn him in for his crimes. Then he promptly leaves Palpatine and goes to get the Jedi. Okay, the next time I commit a terrible crime, you tell me to wait here while you go get the police. Even worse, he actually does just sit around waiting to be arrested. Yes he kicks some ass, but they could’ve brought a whole platoon to arrest him instead of 3 Jedi, two of which instantly got smoked after they’d apparently gotten their Jedi Training Membership Cards from a Cracker Jack Box.

– Anakin becomes Darth Vader in the most unconvincing series of events and dialogue imaginable. One second he’s saying “What have I done?”, the next he’s pledging absolute allegiance (with as much conviction as cardboard) and then slavishly slaying kids and other innocents for the Sith. What the hell is going on?

– It IS actually possible to O.D. on lightsaber swinging. Less can be more. It just became visual noise to me after a while.

– Darth Vader’s epic introduction ends with the B-Movie awful scream of ‘Noooooooooooooooo!’ Between that and his overall crap-tastic motivation for becoming a Sith Lord in the first place, Vader just lost every shred of cool. Perfecto.

– Padme doesn’t have a scratch on her but she dies because she’s apparently ‘lost the will to live’. Wha-th-huh? Unbelievably terrible…

– The original concept George Lucas talked about way back when where the droids would be the consistent unifying element of all nine films evolved into R2-D2 the bleeping little comedic hero and C-3P0 the useless unnecessary git who says the obvious and then gets his memory wiped at the end of Episode III. Nice going.

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