Zub Tales

Oh God, I’m having an ugly day…

Sorry I haven’t written in a while.

Let me paint this scene for you. I’m sitting in a heap in a chair at the office, wrapped up in a blanket. My entire body feels like it’s trying to reject me.

It seems that mid-Wednesday was a good time for my lower Wisdom teeth to begin tearing their way to the surface through my gums. Sure, why not… The excruciating pain of these suckers have caused my jaw to swell and left me looking quite like a chipmunk. I’m all hopped up on massive amounts of Advil, trying to pretend it’s not actually happening.

“Get them taken out” you say. Sure… except I don’t have the time, money, or dental benefits at this point. Thank God they’re coming up straight and there seems to be room for them. I experienced this last year with my top Wisdoms… not quite as much fun as these ones though.

Then, snow has fallen here already, which has triggered two other wonderful transformations. Firstly, we have a contest going at the office that when the first snow fell we’d all try and grow beards until the holidays. The good news is, I’m winning. Russian genes and all that. The bad news is I look like a scraggly mountain man with puffy cheeks.

Secondly, like clockwork, the cold snap had brought on my annual cold sore from hell which is ravaging my lip and leaving me looking quite beat up.

Did I mention I have a mystery zit that appeared out of nowhere on my cheek and am having bad hair day?

Good God, I feel like Quasimodo right now… or The Phantom of Aurenya or something. A total mutant.

Not fun. Not fun at all. I can’t wait ’til the chompers are in place. I’m gonna have a big chunk of dead meat and mow at it like the ultimate carnivore. This near-liquid diet right now’s gonna kill me.

We went out for dinner last night and I just wanted to hide my face. I felt really grotesque. Eating’s a real graceful exercise too and I don’t think I’ve ever eaten so slow just to keep from dumping shit everywhere.

In a couple weeks, I’ll look back at this e-mail and laugh…

Otherwise, things are fine here, nothing to report. I’m going back to bed.