After picking up Gala from the University yesterday, we decided to zip out and see if we could catch a showing of Matrix Revolutions. Grabbing tickets, we had a nice dinner and then sat down to enjoy the show. When it comes to big movie releases like this and the opening credits come up, I just try to focus on the flick and cross my fingers (figuratively speaking) that it’s not going to suck.

But it did suck.

It sucked in a black hole reaching, clawing and gasping kind of way, draining everything of light and sound. Holy crap, did it ever suck.

A lot of people were unimpressed with Matrix Reloaded, but I found it relatively entertaining and there were only a few scenes that were wince-worthy. But Revolutions is a 2 hour eye-rolling embarrassment. Cardboard worthy emotional scenes intermixed with seizure-inducing special effects. Telling us unnecessary things instead of showing them but then showing us a point over and over and over and over again. I appreciate people trying to break the rules with movies, but some storytelling conventions exist for a reason. Use the tools to make the material work and break them if you can make something more effective, don’t go against the grain just because you want to do something different.

I won’t spoil the movie, so you can still read this even if you haven’t seen the flick.

There were so many moments where people stood around asking moronic questions or paused for dramatic effect that I just wanted to scream “DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING!” But even when the action finally hit, I didn’t care about any of it. 30 minutes goes by without Neo, Morpheus or Trinity being in the film (that’s not an exaggeration by the way) and it’s just become this bloated mess with new people I don’t care about. Worse still, when we do get back to the main characters, I realize that they’re not worth watching either. They’re either doing the exact same thing they’ve done before or are spontaneously useless, suddenly unable to be anything but victims.

Classic sequel-itis: all the good character growth gets used up in the first film and then people just become walking talking parodies of themselves.

People die, a little kid stiffly tells us cute and annoying things, billions of machines explode, characters spout platitudes, cookies get baked and the universe is saved by kung-fu (oh wait, no it isn’t… that’s just 10 minutes of action that ends up being unnecessary).

I didn’t need to walk away from the theatre with all the answers about the Matrix. But the gaping holes and useless information we’re left with make it all the more annoying.

Heh. I’m kind of surprised that I filled a whole Newsletter e-mail with my movie review. Oh well… maybe I can save you guys $12 and a few hours of your life. More useful information next time I write… promise.

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